Monday, 20 June 2016

Buried Feelings

“Dri stop,” Emery called after me before I had the chance to get in the cab, she waved it off and I turned to face her. “Walk with me?” I nodded.

Dinner had finished with the girls and they all left gushing about Sutton and her engagement eagerly talking about things they should immediately start doing, I guess my change in demeanour didn’t go unnoticed by Emery.

“Why are we walking? It’s cold out here.”

“It’s not that cold, I seem to remember how excited you get with the first fall of snow for the season, you love the snow and love spending time out in it over Christmas.”

“Emery…” I warned her.

“Alright fine, I saw the way you reacted in there. You were happy at first but at the sight of Sutton’s ring everything changed, what’s bothering you?”

“You know Spencer asked me to move in with him, he tried to bribe me with Cooper in hopes I would say yes.” I responded, hoping to dodge her question.

“It’s Spencer, your worried your relationship this time round is different and you two won’t be the same. You’re remembering your birthday when you are still unsure as to if he did or did not propose in the shower, have you two spoken about that day yet?” I shook my head in response.

I knew there would come a day where we had to talk about what happened that day when I panicked thinking he was proposing, especially considering we were both seeing a therapist. We might not be having regular sessions together anymore because our therapists believed we would be better off with separate sessions for the time being and it seemed to be working.

“Dri you know you two need to talk about that day, you threw in his face the one mistake he regrets the most that day. He is trying to fix things between the two of you, he is doing therapy for you for god sakes.”

“I don’t want to be there either Emery.”

“I know but my point stands, you are both doing it for each other. I know you two have spoken about what happened while you were apart but you refuse to talk about the moments you had together while apart. When he randomly turned up for the weekend after Nathan attacked you, everything that happened that week following your birthday and that weekend you went to London and told him you were dating someone else. We all want to know what happened that weekend because it broke Spencer Dri.”

“I’m going home Emery, I’ll talk to you later.” I snapped at her before walking off to hail a cab.

“Dri don’t be like that with me.”

“Be like what? The fact that I know I broke Spence when I flew all the way there to tell him I was seeing Damon? You don’t think I regret dating Damon, I still remember the look on his face when I told him about Damon. But I knew I couldn’t do it over the phone, I couldn’t tell him I had started seeing someone else over the phone. I owed it to Spencer and what we had to do it in person even if it killed the both of us.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you that badly. I’m on your side, I want things to work out between you and Spencer but there is only so much I can do on the sidelines when you keep so much from us. He gave you Cooper almost two weeks ago, so it was almost two weeks ago that he asked you to move in with him. Normally you would come straight to us about that but you shut us out, why are you shutting us out Dri?” I turned away from Emery and looked out onto the busy street trying to push my tears back.

We were both silent for a while, I knew if I walked off she would just chase after me. I hadn’t been meaning to shut my friends out, it’s just that so much has happened.

“You’re scared, you let in Damon and it completely backfired. God I’m such an idiot for not realising this sooner, the same thing happened after everything with Nathan the first time. You shut us out, you shut everyone out and at first we just assumed it was because you lost your dad. Dri we’ve been here for you through everything, we aren’t going anywhere anytime soon. Just please talk to me, stop shutting me out, you know I’m on both of yours and Spencer’s side.”

The tears fell silently as I stared at my best friend, “what if Spencer and I don’t make it. What if I move in with him and everything just crumbles, we didn’t live together last time?”

“But you were together practically every night, the only time you weren’t was when you were both busy with work or he was travelling. You both had things at each other’s apartment and I was used as the pack mule after the break up. Spencer brought an apartment thinking about your future together, it’s a future where he imagines you two have child together. It’s somewhere you can keep Cooper, he’s done all of this because he loves you.”

“What if it doesn’t work?”

“So you move in with me while you find somewhere else to live,” she shrugged as if it wasn’t a big deal, why did it seem so easy to her.

“What about my apartment, my year isn’t up yet. I can’t back out now.”

“My lease is up soon and your apartment is so much nicer than mine, I’ll take it.”

“Why are you making it seem like it’s so easy?”

“Because it is, you love Spencer. You’ve admitted before that if you two didn’t go on that break and he didn’t move to London, you wouldn’t even hesitate if he proposed, take him up on his offer of living together and if things don’t work out I will always have a guest room for you.” Emery cupped my face and it got me thinking, is it this easy?

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