The Talk

“Dri don’t walk away from me!” Spencer yelled as he followed me through my apartment.

We got home from the Court house not long ago and to begin with neither of us said anything about us and what we had to talk about. I was beginning to wonder if Spencer was going to stick to his word about us having the conversation.

Truth was, I was shocked by what conversation Spencer wanted to have first.

“Don’t even start on that Spencer!” I yelled through the closed bathroom door. I was furious, there was no way in hell I would willingly talk about that. Hell, even Sutton and Emery knew better than that.

“Why not? What is so wrong about even considering seeing a therapist, why can’t we talk about it?” I was shocked by the sound of his voice, he was so angry when he was following but now he wasn’t.

I don’t even know where Spencer got this idea of seeing a therapist and if it was from either Emery or Sutton I will kill them.

It damn near killed me the last time I had to a see a therapist and if either of those two were suggesting me seeing one again I won’t be happy.

The stupid therapist thought it would be more beneficial talking about my fucked up family instead of what happened with Nathan, she thought the reason I put myself in such a toxic relationship was because of my screwed up family.

Mind you they were all her words, yes I knew or at least believed my mother to be an alcoholic but yet we were happy and healthy. My father loved me and my sister very much and we weren’t mistreated. My parents rarely fought and I knew they were once in love, I’ve seen the proof, so I don’t know where she got this idea of toxic relationship views.

Having to talk to a stranger about the night my father was killed was a nightmare and there was no way in hell I was opening up about everything again to another stranger just because they all believed I wasn’t coping.

I pulled the door opened so fast I startled Spencer, he looked at me for a moment before opening his mouth but I put my hand over it to give him the idea that I wanted to speak first.

“I don’t know where you got this stupid idea from but I will not have this conversation Spence. There is no way I can open up to another stranger about everything. I take it as you’ve never seen a therapist before Spence but they always seem to believe everything is linked back to what your family situation was like as a child and mine was fine. There is just no way in hell I’m talking to a stranger about my father, my mother or my relationship with Nathan. Because remember Spence, Nathan isn’t just some guy who spotted me on the street, I dated him when I was 16. I thought I was in love with that asshole. I believed I was going to have a future with him until Emery and Sutton showed what an idiot I was!”

My chest heaved as I was trying to catch my breath, I hadn’t realised I had gotten myself so worked up over this. I just hoped it was enough for him to realise that I would only see a therapist over my dead body.

“Okay, I’m sorry. I didn’t realise you would be so against just talking about it. I worry about you Dri, I just want to make sure you are coping with what happened in the right way. If you won’t talk to a therapist will you at least talk to me or even the girls more?” Spencer cupped my face as I nodded at him, if it was the only way to drop the therapist topic I would try.

“I’ll try, you can’t expect me to change overnight, but what about you? I know how protective you are over me, how are you coping about the fact you found me like that?”

“I’m coping a lot better than what you are.”

“Really? Then why do you panic when I don’t answer my phone?” I laughed at him but all he did was look at me sheepishly before pulling me closer to him.

“Don’t know what you’re on about. Now does your anger about talking about your family have anything to do with you and Lee not talking?”

I couldn’t believe he was using today of all days to bring up the topic of Lee.

It wasn’t long before Lee and I were meant to use the flights that Spencer had gotten us for our birthday that we had gotten into an argument about it. Lee was under the impression that we weren’t going anymore because our mother was sick and we should be there for her while I thought the whole thing was ridiculous and we should still go on the holiday.

It has been years since Lee and I have gone this long without speaking, I couldn’t believe she was being this headstrong about it. Lee isn’t even in town to help with the whole thing or be there for our mother while she was at school. She didn’t come and visit for Christmas break like she used to either and that is what hurt the most.

In the end we gave the flights to a very eager Sutton and Alex, between both of their work related trips they haven’t had a holiday away together in forever. I knew Sutton was beginning to worry about their relationship and wonder if Alex was still happy being with her.

They didn’t take the trip over the holidays. They were able to change the dates and they were in Italy until recently, in fact Sutton went straight from there to Paris for her meetings with the designers and none of us have had the chance to catch up with Sutton. And Alex would act weird every time we asked about the holiday.

“You said you weren’t annoyed that I gave the flights to Sutton and Alex,” I pulled away from him. I was worried when I first went to Spencer with the idea of telling him that Lee and I weren’t using the flights, a couple of days later I came up with the idea of giving them Sutton and Alex.

“And I’m not Dri.”

“Then why bring Lee up? She’s probably just stressed at college and taking it out on me. She’ll apologize and we will be fine.” I stood there and watched as he got more increasingly frustrated.

“You don’t want to talk at all about the fact that you are hurting over Lee not coming here for the holidays?”

“As I said, she is probably just stressed. Are you going to hear me out?”

“Depends. Are you going to let me talk about us?” I didn’t want to look at Spencer. We had gone from me being completely annoyed at him to being scared about where this was going to go.

I didn’t know what Spencer’s thoughts were on everything, about us, about our break, about me dating Damon, nothing and I was completely worried about what he was going to say.

“Dri, I love you and would want nothing more than to have you by my side again but you were right when you said we had to talk. I do want to talk about what we need to and I understand I screwed up big time by requesting that break but trust me when I say that finding out you fell for someone else killed me and I thought I lost you forever. Coming home and finding you unconscious with Nathan standing beside you damn near killed me. I know what it feels like to have lost you and I sure as hell don’t want that feeling ever again.” I couldn’t believe all of this came out of Spencer’s mouth, a tear ran down my cheek and he instantly cupped my face and wiped it away.

I was torn at feeling either shocked or wanting to melt at his statement, any girl would love to have a guy say that, but it wasn’t us. We don’t make big declarations of love like this, it wasn’t a part of who we were.

We’ve both had people call us cold hearted but the truth was we had trouble opening up and trusting people, but Spencer was one of the three people that I trusted the most. If he could do this, surely I could. Surely I could make some big declaration of my love for him but it still didn’t change how I felt.

We had our problems because he didn’t know how to be there for me when Nathan first turned up. How do I know he won’t run when things turned bad when my mother gets worse?

“Everyone knows a break is code for breaking up. I spent days in my bed trying to figure out what I did wrong to lose you. I hated the idea of losing you, I did what I hate the most about my mother. I drank to try and numb my pain and then I hated myself for finishing of the bottle my father had left me for when I finally graduated college. But that night when you told me you still loved me was the worst. I had convinced myself I was getting you back but then you go and say you were being moved to London and that broke me. I knew there was no way we could make it with you being in London, and I sure as hell don’t want to feel like that again.”

“Babe, I promise. I don’t want to lose you and I’m sure as hell not going to do something to risk it.”

“But how do I know you aren’t going to run when things become bad with my mother?”

“Because I would be an idiot to let you get away twice. I don’t want to lose you again. I’ve told you I will do everything I can to prove I won’t be going anywhere. Hell I’ve even told you I’ve thought about marriage, Dri I want my future with you.”

“So I just have to trust you when you say you won’t run?” I snapped at him, I finally got sick of us having this conversation in the doorway to my bathroom.

I pushed past him and continued along to the kitchen. I hated that I was just having to go on a whim and trust him when he says this. He’s said before that he wouldn’t leave me, but he did.

“I get that my actions have diminished your trust in me but have I ever done anything to show how untrustworthy I am? Ignore that one mistake of me requesting that break, has there been anything?” Spencer sounded so broken and it broke me.

He was right. I never once doubted his loyalty towards me. I never once suspected that he was cheating, I never once suspected he was lying to me. There was nothing, a lot of people just thought I was an idiot considering how much Spencer travelled for work but Sutton and Emery would always say just looking at how Spencer and I act together proved that there wasn’t a doubt in their minds about the love between the two of us.

“Dri, I just said how much I love you and don’t want to lose you? Why can’t you put faith in the fact that I won’t leave again?” he placed his hands on my waist and spun me around to face him.

“Because I’m scared, I’m scared you’re going to get fed up and leave when things get too hard with my mother. She has cancer and will most likely die, I had to sit there and listen to the doctor say what her odds were and how quickly it’s going to turn bad. You walked because I wasn’t coping well when Nathan first appeared, what do you think is going to happen once my mother gets much worse and I have to cope with the fact that I will soon be without both of my parents regardless of the relationship between my mother and I?” I questioned, realising myself the truth about my mother and her cancer.

“Because I was there for Alec when he lost his father to cancer, or are you forgetting that? I know what will be happening and I know what to expect through it all. I want to be there for you regardless of you wanting me there. I panicked as much as you did when Nathan first returned. I didn’t know how to handle the fact that your ex-boyfriend who your mother prefers over me had returned. I knew that there was some control he had over you and I still don’t understand it, it caused me to panic. I was afraid that between him and your mother they would convince you to leave me. I thought the break would give you the chance to get through it all and hopefully come back to me.”

I completely forgot that Alec lost his father to cancer when both him and Spencer were in college. It wasn’t something any of us spoke about and we left it at that. It gave me the idea of going and speaking to him about it all.

“What if things are different this time? What if we aren’t the same? What if things are harder because of everything we’ve been through? Just because Nathan is gone doesn’t mean Damon is, my mother will get worse or if she does get better things will just go back to how they were. My mother is still a bitch who hates you.” I leaned forward and rested my head against his chest, breathing in the familiar scent that was always associated with him.

It was true. I was worried that after everything we’ve been through together we wouldn’t be the same. Things would change between the two of us, we wouldn’t be who we once were and I was worried that after everything I would still lose Spencer and what we had.

“Things won’t be different because we won’t let them, as long as we are still both trying it will be how things were between us. Nathan is gone, for good. He is going to jail and when he is released he won’t be able to contact you or your family, so even your mother can’t pass messages around this time. Don’t worry about Damon, I won’t let him do anything to you.” Spencer had wrapped his arms around and pulled me close. I was incredibly worried that maybe after all of this it would be for nothing.

“But…”

“Don’t Dri, it’s either you trust that I won’t leave or you don’t. Everything else we can work on as we go, do you trust me Dri?”

I was silent to begin with, so was Spencer. We were both standing there in the middle of my kitchen not saying anything, I was scared.

It seemed more like we were having a final moment and I would completely lose him after all of it, after everything we’ve been through. I couldn’t lose him.

I pulled away and looked at him, studied his face and I couldn’t believe he was as worried as I was. I took a deep breath before speaking. “I trust you…”

Aftermath

The judge spoke, Harvey looked at me, and I couldn’t remember any of it. It was all a blur to me.

As soon as I was allowed to leave the Court room, I did. I went straight outside hoping for some fresh air to clear my head and make some sense of what happened. I knew Harvey wouldn’t follow me straight away. He would take care of what he had to and then ring me to let me know we had to talk but until that phone call came through I was allowed some space.

“Hey, are you alright?” I heard Spencer’s voice but it wasn’t until his arms came around me that I relaxed. “Shh, everything is going to be okay.” Spencer softly rubbed my back and instead of focusing on what just happened, I recalled the events of what happened last night.

“Because I love you Spencer…” his hands instantly dropped from my face and I was hurt by the action.

He just told me only a few seconds ago that he still loved me and here he was, acting like he was electrocuted at the idea of me saying that I loved him. I had worked it out but was too scared to say anything in case things had changed for him and we were just friends, and that was it.

Even the first time the words I love you came out for both of us was in an argument. Neither of us were exactly emotional people. We didn’t always voice how we felt and if one of us was annoyed we stayed silent until we exploded.

“Spence?” I finally spoke, breaking the silence.

I was unnerved by what he was doing, He was just staring at me and I didn’t know what to think of it. If we hadn’t seen each other in ages then yes maybe I would have thought he would be taking it all in but I saw him only yesterday.

But he still never said anything in reply. He stepped forward, he gripped the back of my neck while his other hand went to my lower back and he pulled me as close as possible to him before roughly kissing me and at first I was shock and didn’t move.

It didn’t take long for me to start kissing him back and it wasn’t long after that, that we started removing each other’s clothes and falling on top of my bed.

It was amazing being with Spencer like this, I forgot just how good it could be with him. Every now and then we both stopped, just to take in each other. It had been way too long since we had been like this and I was reason for that.

It wasn’t until I realised that me dating Damon put a wedge between us when he returned that I pulled away from him.

“Dri what’s wrong?” Spencer’s face was full of concern as he stroked my cheek. I hated that I was still feeling conflicted by everything that’s happened.

“It’s all my fault,” I spoke as tears started to blur my vision. I watched as Spencer hung his head before shifting closer to me. I knew he was frustrated that I pulled away in the middle of sex.

“Hey nothing is your fault, don’t ever think that.” He cupped my face and wiped away the tears that escaped.

“But if I hadn’t started seeing Damon then we would….”

I wasn’t even allowed to finish that sentence before Spencer cut me off. “Don’t even start on that Dri, don’t think it. You couldn’t have known that Damon was friends with Nathan and all that stuff was going to happen.”

After that everything sort of blended together and Spencer spent more time trying to convince me that I did nothing wrong. I was following what we both agreed to before he left.

We both agreed that we would break up and see what happens. If one of us dated someone else we couldn’t be mad and Spencer wasn’t.

We didn’t end up finishing what we started and I suspected that Spencer went off and had a cold shower once I had fallen asleep. I tried to apologise this morning for it but he wouldn’t hear a word of it.

In fact this morning he kept trying to convince me to let him come today, to be there for me. Except I kept telling him no but he turned up anyway and I didn’t know if I was annoyed or grateful.

“You know I told you not to come today,” I pulled away slightly so I could face him but all he did was grin at me.

“And you actually thought I was going to listen to you? Come on surely you know that if Sutton wasn’t in Paris and Emery didn’t have that big client meeting they would both be here as well.”

“I know…. thank you.”

“Anytime, isn’t it what boyfriends are for?” that’s when it hit me, we haven’t actually spoken about anything.

Last night we both said I love you but we hadn’t spoken about what was going to change, it was like we both forgot what broke us up in the first place.

Spencer must have seen my concerns written on my face, because he frowned before stroking my cheek. “Dri you just said last night that you loved me, I’ve been waiting on you to decide if we were going to give us another shot.”

“I know that but I never once said we were back together, we’ve both said on multiple occasions that we needed to fix what was broken between us. Remember you broke up with me long before you were sent to London!” I yelled at him and it was then I realised that we were standing out in public.

“I know, but Nathan’s gone. He can’t harass you anymore, or did you not pay attention in there?”

“No I paid attention, I just can’t believe it. I can’t believe that a restraining order was put in place as well as jail time, it doesn’t seem real Spence.” I spoke and something in my voice must have worried Spencer, he didn’t say anything in response.

All he did was look at me for a moment before wrapping an arm around me and holding me close. It was exactly what I needed in that moment.

It was true, I couldn’t believe that another judge has sided with me on this whole thing with Nathan. I couldn’t believe that he was getting jail time due to him attacking me and hospitalizing me. Once that was finished another restraining order was being put in place, this one was a bit more serious than the last because this time he couldn’t contact Lee or my mother.

My phone ran breaking the silence that was still standing between Spencer and I, when I pulled away and looked at my phone I noticed it was Harvey calling me.

“Come on, I promise we will have this talk Dri.” Spencer spoke as he laced his fingers with mine and lead me back inside the Court house in search of Harvey.

Anxious

I hated this, I hated not knowing what could happen tomorrow.

I felt the same way last time, the last time I had to go to Court and stand in front of a judge and many other people I didn’t know and recount what happened.

It didn’t matter if both Sutton and Emery have told me that this time is different, it didn’t matter. This time didn’t feel any different I still felt terrified that it wouldn’t go my way, that no one would believe what I had to say and that they would believe Nathan over me.

The only thing that surprised me was that I have not received a phone call from my mother asking why I was taking Nathan back to Court. There was a part of me hoping that for once she didn’t believe me, but there was a much bigger that also hoped Nathan hadn’t told my mother in respect to her health.

The girls kept reassuring me that I had a different lawyer so it will be easier and it’s true, this time Harvey was standing by my side even though he didn’t have to. Cases like these aren’t something he normally does, yet he’s doing this for me because he’s been there to help me every time Nathan popped up in my life.

Last time I had a lawyer that the police station managed to convince to take me on, he didn’t even care, just wanted to win. He did and that’s all that matters but still the point stands, he didn’t care and I could have just as easily lost. Was that what both Emery and Sutton kept telling me?

It has been like this for weeks with the girls, they kept reminding it will go just like last time and it was starting to get on my nerves. The only bit of peace I had was when I was with Spencer, he didn’t force me to talk about it. He was constantly doing other things or making plans for me in hopes of distracting me and it was working, I was thankful for it.

The only mention of the looming court appearance from Spencer was every time he questioned to make sure I didn’t want him there, I kept telling him I didn’t. I didn’t want anyone there, what was the point? It made it easier on me, I didn’t have to worry about my friends hearing things that I haven’t told them yet.

But would this one be different because there is no sexual assault charges? Just physical assault charges.

I made it back to my apartment and found Spencer sitting on the floor leaning against the door with his eyes closed. I stood there for a moment and looked at him, he was still incredibly hot and I knew he was still in love me but I still hadn’t made any mention of how I felt. I couldn’t at the moment but I knew if I took too long I would lose him completely. At the moment my life was too complicated and he didn’t deserve that.

“You know if you waited till I got home and answered my phone you wouldn’t have to sit out here waiting for me?” I spoke as I walked closer to him.

When Spencer opened his eyes and looked at me I could tell something was bothering him, “If you just took your phone with you when you went for runs, I wouldn’t be worried right now. Dri, I’ve been trying to get a hold of you for almost an hour.”

I ignored him and stepped around him to unlock my apartment, Spencer hated that I hadn’t given him a key, Emery was the only one with a key.

Within a week of returning from visiting Spencer’s parents I found the perfect apartment and I was incredibly happy when I found out that I got it. I decided that I was only giving out one key, it was easier to deal with knowing that only Emery could randomly appear in my apartment.

“Dri are you going to talk to me?” Spencer spoke and I automatically assumed he followed me in. I don’t know how I felt about that since tonight I just wanted to be alone.

“So my run was longer than usual, what’s the big deal?” I spun around so fast that I became a little dizzy but I ignored it as I faced Spencer. There had been moments like this where he became a little too protective and I couldn’t handle it.

“The big deal is you were gone for so long that I started to worry about you. Dri you weren’t answering your phone and even when I came here to check on you I couldn’t hear anything. Normally when you go for a run you’re too lazy to turn whatever you had on to help get rid of the quiet, I panicked because I care about you.” Spencer cupped my face and normally I would melt at his actions but I couldn’t tonight, I couldn’t deal with anyone tonight.

“Well look at that, I’m perfectly fine. You can go back to Alec’s now.” I snapped at him before heading towards my room.

Spencer was still living at Alec’s, he had cleared out his apartment and given it up but he still hadn’t found another apartment. His reasoning was he wanted to buy his next one but nothing was coming up that he wanted.

“What is wrong with you Dri?” Spencer’s voice shocked me. I hadn’t heard him come up behind me.

I turned and looked at him but it was then I realised what I was wearing, “Bloody hell Spencer, you don’t get the right to walk in here anytime you wish anymore. Nothings the same anymore no matter how many times you tell me otherwise and if you don’t remember you were the one that broke up with me! Why the hell are you still sticking around? Are you a sucker for punishment or something?” I yelled at him and I knew I shouldn’t have. When I saw him face get harder I knew I was in for it.

“Are you fucking kidding me Dri! I’m still sticking around because I love you and I’m hoping a part of you still loves me because you’re the one that has been so attached to me ever since waking up in the hospital. I hated seeing how terrified you were at the thought of me moving in with Alec and not being with you in my apartment but I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t be under the same roof as you. Tell me Dri, why are you so attached to me? Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t walk out this door right now and not come back?” he yelled back and I was shocked. Spencer has never yelled at me like this before but I deserved it, he was right. I couldn’t let him go.

“Because I can’t lose you…” I hung my head and refused to look at him but he had other plans in mind.

Spencer cupped my face and forced me to look at him and I knew this time I wouldn’t be able to pull away easily enough. “Why? Why can’t you lose me Dri?”

All of this time I was so scared of losing Spencer, even when I first told him I was dating Damon. Had me being afraid of losing him meant I had loved him all along but I was too scared to admit it? Even now with the two of us standing here, it felt like nothing had changed between us.

My body was reacting to his. I was itching to step forward and wrap my arms around his neck. The heat was building up in anticipation of what would normally come next. I’d spent so much time with Spencer since coming out of the hospital and so much of the time I would go home sexually frustrated because we didn’t have sex.

But it wasn’t just that, there was a part of me that was coming home a little heartbroken every time because I haven’t heard him say he loved me in too long, he hadn’t kissed me, nothing. It felt like we were dating again but yet his actions weren’t showing it. Maybe I was afraid of admitting I loved him in case he didn’t love me anymore?

“Because I love you Spencer…”