Buried Feelings

“Dri stop,” Emery called after me before I had the chance to get in the cab, she waved it off and I turned to face her. “Walk with me?” I nodded.

Dinner had finished with the girls and they all left gushing about Sutton and her engagement eagerly talking about things they should immediately start doing, I guess my change in demeanour didn’t go unnoticed by Emery.

“Why are we walking? It’s cold out here.”

“It’s not that cold, I seem to remember how excited you get with the first fall of snow for the season, you love the snow and love spending time out in it over Christmas.”

“Emery…” I warned her.

“Alright fine, I saw the way you reacted in there. You were happy at first but at the sight of Sutton’s ring everything changed, what’s bothering you?”

“You know Spencer asked me to move in with him, he tried to bribe me with Cooper in hopes I would say yes.” I responded, hoping to dodge her question.

“It’s Spencer, your worried your relationship this time round is different and you two won’t be the same. You’re remembering your birthday when you are still unsure as to if he did or did not propose in the shower, have you two spoken about that day yet?” I shook my head in response.

I knew there would come a day where we had to talk about what happened that day when I panicked thinking he was proposing, especially considering we were both seeing a therapist. We might not be having regular sessions together anymore because our therapists believed we would be better off with separate sessions for the time being and it seemed to be working.

“Dri you know you two need to talk about that day, you threw in his face the one mistake he regrets the most that day. He is trying to fix things between the two of you, he is doing therapy for you for god sakes.”

“I don’t want to be there either Emery.”

“I know but my point stands, you are both doing it for each other. I know you two have spoken about what happened while you were apart but you refuse to talk about the moments you had together while apart. When he randomly turned up for the weekend after Nathan attacked you, everything that happened that week following your birthday and that weekend you went to London and told him you were dating someone else. We all want to know what happened that weekend because it broke Spencer Dri.”

“I’m going home Emery, I’ll talk to you later.” I snapped at her before walking off to hail a cab.

“Dri don’t be like that with me.”

“Be like what? The fact that I know I broke Spence when I flew all the way there to tell him I was seeing Damon? You don’t think I regret dating Damon, I still remember the look on his face when I told him about Damon. But I knew I couldn’t do it over the phone, I couldn’t tell him I had started seeing someone else over the phone. I owed it to Spencer and what we had to do it in person even if it killed the both of us.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you that badly. I’m on your side, I want things to work out between you and Spencer but there is only so much I can do on the sidelines when you keep so much from us. He gave you Cooper almost two weeks ago, so it was almost two weeks ago that he asked you to move in with him. Normally you would come straight to us about that but you shut us out, why are you shutting us out Dri?” I turned away from Emery and looked out onto the busy street trying to push my tears back.

We were both silent for a while, I knew if I walked off she would just chase after me. I hadn’t been meaning to shut my friends out, it’s just that so much has happened.

“You’re scared, you let in Damon and it completely backfired. God I’m such an idiot for not realising this sooner, the same thing happened after everything with Nathan the first time. You shut us out, you shut everyone out and at first we just assumed it was because you lost your dad. Dri we’ve been here for you through everything, we aren’t going anywhere anytime soon. Just please talk to me, stop shutting me out, you know I’m on both of yours and Spencer’s side.”

The tears fell silently as I stared at my best friend, “what if Spencer and I don’t make it. What if I move in with him and everything just crumbles, we didn’t live together last time?”

“But you were together practically every night, the only time you weren’t was when you were both busy with work or he was travelling. You both had things at each other’s apartment and I was used as the pack mule after the break up. Spencer brought an apartment thinking about your future together, it’s a future where he imagines you two have child together. It’s somewhere you can keep Cooper, he’s done all of this because he loves you.”

“What if it doesn’t work?”

“So you move in with me while you find somewhere else to live,” she shrugged as if it wasn’t a big deal, why did it seem so easy to her.

“What about my apartment, my year isn’t up yet. I can’t back out now.”

“My lease is up soon and your apartment is so much nicer than mine, I’ll take it.”

“Why are you making it seem like it’s so easy?”

“Because it is, you love Spencer. You’ve admitted before that if you two didn’t go on that break and he didn’t move to London, you wouldn’t even hesitate if he proposed, take him up on his offer of living together and if things don’t work out I will always have a guest room for you.” Emery cupped my face and it got me thinking, is it this easy?

Surprise

“Hi Spencer,” I spoke happily answering the phone seeing it was Spencer, things have been incredibly good ever since picnic date in his new apartment and he had given me Cooper.

Spencer hadn’t pushed me on moving in with him, truth was if he hadn’t gone to London or even broken up with me because of Nathan I wouldn’t have even thought twice about moving in with him but things are different and I don’t know if our new relationship was ready for that.

“Hey babe, where are you?” he questioned and I knew if I lied he would probably realise.

“Home…” So I lied anyway.

“Really, because you’re apartment looks pretty empty to me.” I wouldn’t be surprised if there was a smirk on his face and I groaned, of course he went there looking for me. “So I ask again, where are you babe?”

I laughed in response, I shouldn’t have been surprised that he went to my apartment to look for me when he finished work but I thought he would know me better by now.

“Oh…I see how it is, you’re at my apartment with Cooper.”

“Oh come on babe, we can’t leave him alone all day long.” I mocked before looking down at said whimpering puppy in my lap.

“Uhuh, I will be there soon. Love you.” But he hung up before I could in reply, I knew I would have to stay until he arrived. He would be annoyed if I just left without at least saying hello to him.

I sat there on the floor of the guest room which had in turn become Cooper’s room until he was better trained to have free run of the apartment when he was alone during the day.

We weren’t exactly leaving Cooper alone most of the day, Spencer was doing what work he could from home and I was taking work home when I could. In fact that was what I was doing before Cooper started crying at my feet and I stopped, I was just lucky our case load was light at the moment at work.

“I really regret giving you a key,” Spencer grumbled as he walked over to where I was sitting before softly kissing me.

“No you don’t,” I grinned at him, not really wanting to finish my sentence.

“Oh I do, I’m starting to think you love Cooper more than me.” he pouted at me and I gave him a sly smile.

“Oh but babe I do love Cooper more than you, how could you not. He is adorable.” Spencer snatched Cooper from my arms and this time it was my turn to pout.

“You’re right, he is absolutely adorable and I didn’t want to hurt your feelings by telling you I loved him more than you.”

“Well then, you two have fun. I actually have plans with the girls.” I stood up and went to talk past him to grab my bag and leave but he wrapped his fingers around my wrist to prevent me going anywhere. “Yes Spencer?” I questioned innocently and he shook his head.

“Are you going to come back here?” I leaned down and kissed him.

“Of course, I can’t let Cooper sleep alone now can I?” I whispered in his ear and he growled in response. “I’m kidding babe, I’m just having dinner with the girls. It’s been so long since I’ve seen Belle and Jess.” He grinned at me and I shook my head.

“Well in that case, maybe I won’t be in the bed when you come home. Maybe I will be in here with Cooper.”

“Oh but babe if you plan on having sex any time soon, you will be in that bed naked waiting for a drunk me to come home.” I whispered in his ear before softly kissing his neck, his body tensed and he sucked in the air.

“Tease…” he spoke, his voice all husky and I knew exactly what I just did to him but I just laughed before giving him a kiss and grabbing my bag to go meet up with the girls.

“I’m sorry I’m late,” I spoke as I rushed to join them in the booth of the diner we agreed to meet at for dinner.

When Sutton, Emery and myself first moved to the city this diner was just down the street from our apartment, we had gotten into the habit of having dinner here at least once a week around our own hectic schedules. Over time as we met Belle and Jess they began joining us as well and now, well we tried to come back every couple of months but still it was hard or we didn’t want to venture this far out sometimes.

“Were you and Spencer having sex again?” Emery asked with a smirk on her face while everyone else just laughed.

“No, actually we weren’t, we were poking fun at each other over Cooper. Now Sutton please pass me a menu.”

“What the hell was that?” Emery screeched and I looked up to notice her staring at Sutton, I raised an eyebrow at the two of them and Sutton’s cheeks went a little pink before she lifted her left hand showing us her engagement ring.

“When the hell did this happen?” I questioned while grabbing her hand to examine the ring and I felt a twinge in my heart before I dropped Sutton’s hand.

I fell silent as they all began firing questions at Sutton about how Alex did and if she saw it coming, I was happy for Sutton. I really was and there no point denying it, I was thrilled that she found Alex and he had proposed in a way she deemed perfect and she had said yes. I will even be thrilled for her on their wedding day.

But there was something that just wasn’t sitting right with me and it killed all happy thoughts I had for the rest of dinner.

Can I Keep It?

“A puppy, you got me a freaking puppy!” I am slightly embarrassed to admit I squealed while slightly jumping up and down in joy and there was a smug look on Spencer’s face.

“Yes beautiful, I got you a puppy. Do you love him?”

“He’s adorable, thank you.” I kissed his cheek before rushing over to where the poor thing was crying in the make shift pen to pick him up.

I could tell Spencer was pretty proud with himself about this, I’ve been saying for years how I always wanted a puppy but neither of our apartments were allowed pets. It was then my face fell.

“Babe what’s wrong?” Spencer questioned as he came over and wrapped his arms around me.

“I’m not allowed pets in my apartment and I don’t think Alec is willing to take in a puppy of all things, at least you can clean up after yourself.” I smirked at him and he frowned.

I really wanted to keep the puppy, he was freaking adorable. You know those forever puppies? Spencer got me one of those, Golden Cocker Retriever.

I watched as Spencer scratched behind the puppy’s ear and he tried to bite Spencer’s hand and I couldn’t help but laugh, it was so freaking cute and it broke my heart even more knowing I couldn’t keep it.

“This apartment is allowed to have pets, I’ve kept this little guy in here all day while I organised our picnic,” he softly kissed my head before forcing me to turn around and face him. “There’s another reason, why I did all this.”

“What’s that babe?” I looked at him before facing the puppy again giving him the attention he was crying for.

“Move in with me?” I looked up at him with wide eyes.

“You’re bribing me with a puppy!” I scolded him but he just grinned.

“Do you love this apartment, well what you’ve seen of it anyway?”

“It’s beautiful Spence.”

“This apartment is mine Dri, I brought it and I was hoping we could live together, us and our puppy and be a family until we are ready to start a proper family,” I smiled at him before he softly kissed me.

“But I love my apartment and I’ve still got my lease, what would I even do with it?” I frowned at him.

“I know babe, and I will understand if you don’t think we are ready to live together. But if my offer isn’t accepted I will still move in here with the puppy until you are ready.” He kissed my temple and we fell into silence.

I had so much to think about and I was grateful Spencer was giving me the time to think about it, yes we had been dating for a while before we broke up but this time round, we had only just gotten back together. Were we ready for this step?

“I still can’t believe you tried to butter me up with a puppy!” I scolded Spencer again and he just laughed.

“Speaking of the adorable puppy who you already love and I know you don’t want to leave tonight, what are you going to name him?” I shook my head at Spencer’s question.

“I can’t Spence, if for some reason I decided I’m not ready to move in here it will essentially be your puppy.”

“I brought him for you babe, I will take care of him because I love you but he is ours.” My stomach had butterflies at the way he said ours.

“Cooper, I want to name him Cooper.” I placed Cooper back in his pen before wrapping my arms around Spencer’s neck

“Cooper it is then.”

“Thank you I love you, tonight was perfect Spencer,” I wrapped my arms around him and pressed my face against his chest.

“I’m glad babe, I tried my hardest to make it perfect for you. You deserve it after everything you’ve been through, as much as I hate it. I know some of that pain is because of me.”

“You’re forgiven for everything Spencer, I can’t hate you for what happened. We both did what we thought was the best thing for us.”

“I’m also talking about the break that I requested.” I pulled away and looked at him, confused as to why he was still worried about that.

“For all we know that London transfer was already in place, it could have been fate that we were meant to have broken up at that time. Maybe we were meant too, for us to realise what we meant to each other.” Spencer only nodded before softly kissing me, it was in that moment that I was worried he was still beating himself up over that.