Apologies

I was bawling my eyes out.

I would never in my wildest dreams have thought that the letter my mother had written me would make me cry like I was, I hadn’t even finished the stupid thing yet.

I don’t know what made me give in and read the stupid letter when I got home from work, maybe it was my argument with Spencer yesterday.

I was barely 10 minutes into the first movie when I wanted to chase after Spencer and apologise for what was said but I couldn’t, the same reason I knew why he wouldn’t come back. We both needed to cool down, I was still a little unsure if today would be the best day for our first therapy session.

Kirsten had come through for us and found a therapist she thought would be a good fit for us, they had also decided that the first couple of sessions should be between the two of us before separating us because we knew we had our own issues to work through.

I looked at my phone realising I still had some time before I had to leave and meet Spencer, I looked back at the letter.

I couldn’t believe she was apologising for everything, the way she treated me after my father was killed, the fact that she distanced herself from me when she realised I wasn’t the girly daughter she had always hoped to have.

There was so many things that had gone wrong between us and she apologised for every single one of them but the one that shook me the most was her apologising for what happened with Nathan.

Lee had told me that when she went out there to visit her that there was no alcohol in sight, the house was completely clean. Apparently our mother hasn’t had a drop of alcohol since that phone call with Lee, she said she wanted to be completely sober her last few months so she could at least be there with us before things turned.

At first I was hesitant as to whether or not I would believe what was written in this letter but it was the dried up tear drops on the hand written letter that made me realise she was sorry.

I don’t know what made her change her mind about Nathan and at this point in time I didn’t care, I just needed time to process everything she apologised for before I talk to her.

I needed to make sure this was something I wanted, did I want to push past everything that was wrong with my childhood because she couldn’t see any fault in her actions or did I want to forget the way she treated me when my father died because she blamed me?

The knock at the door pulled me from the letter and I left it sitting on my bed as went to open the door, I was shocked to see Spencer standing there because I assumed I was meeting him at the therapist’s office.

His eyes went wide as he took in the sight of me, “oh god, please don’t tell me your still upset with me.”

I shook my head trying push the tears back but all Spencer did was step forward and wrap his arms around me while pushing the door shut.

“What happened babe?” he spoke softly while rubbing my back in hopes of calming me down.

“I read the letter from my mother, she apologised for everything. She stated that the only reason she hated you was because you lived in the city, she was afraid that you would prevent me from moving back home to start a family. She said she really likes you and approves of you because she knows you will be able to take care of me, all she ever wanted was someone to take care of me and make sure I wasn’t struggling in life.” I choked out and he stiffened, it didn’t take long for him to relax again in my arms.

“I wonder what caused the change of heart for her…” Spencer trailed off and I had a feeling he wasn’t expecting a response from me.

“The cancer, I think it’s finally sunk in that she might die. Her doctor told her to stop drinking but she didn’t, Lee said that when she was out there last week that there was no alcohol in the house.” I pulled away from Spencer and looked at him, he frowned before wiping away my tears.

“Are you going to talk to her?”

I shrugged in response, “I guess that’s what therapy is for.”

I pulled away from him and headed into the kitchen where the key Spencer placed was still sitting, I picked up and looked at him.

“Here you should have this,” I held it out for him and he just stood there for a moment before stepping forward and wrapped his hand around mine.

“You don’t have to give it back because of yesterday, you have your own reasons for not handing out spare keys and I understand. I’m sorry for not realising your fear of random people entering the apartment, I’m not going to make things hard for you.”

“But you were right yesterday, you had a key last time and a part of us fixing things and getting back to normal includes trust. I trust and love you, I want you to have this.” I gave him a smile and he instantly smiled back before hugging me.

“I love you Dri, so much it hurts. I hate fighting with you.” He mumbled against my hair and I let out a sigh.

“I hate fighting with you too but maybe therapy will help with that, maybe it will be more beneficial than we think. I know you convinced me that it would be good to help get over my fears of what Nathan did but maybe us seeing the therapist as a couple…will be beneficial as well.”

Spencer pulled away and looked at me, he nodded before burying his face in the crook of my neck. Who would have thought that to begin with he was trying to convince me to see a therapist, that now? Now it seemed as though he was more hesitant than I am, but he was still doing it for me.

“Let me go wash my face and then we should leave,” he nodded as I pulled away completely heading towards the bathroom.

I would be lying if I said I wasn’t completely nervous for what would happen today, but I also knew we need it. We both needed it.

Just as I reached the front door Spencer grabbed me and pinned me against the wall, I had to take a deep breath to stop the panic from setting in.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to panic you. This may not work, for either of us. But I promise I will try, I’m against this as much as you are but we both need to heal and move on.” I nodded and he cupped my face before roughly kissing me.