“Dri don’t walk away from me!” Spencer yelled as he followed me through my apartment.
We got home from the Court house not long ago and to begin with neither of us said anything about us and what we had to talk about. I was beginning to wonder if Spencer was going to stick to his word about us having the conversation.
Truth was, I was shocked by what conversation Spencer wanted to have first.
“Don’t even start on that Spencer!” I yelled through the closed bathroom door. I was furious, there was no way in hell I would willingly talk about that. Hell, even Sutton and Emery knew better than that.
“Why not? What is so wrong about even considering seeing a therapist, why can’t we talk about it?” I was shocked by the sound of his voice, he was so angry when he was following but now he wasn’t.
I don’t even know where Spencer got this idea of seeing a therapist and if it was from either Emery or Sutton I will kill them.
It damn near killed me the last time I had to a see a therapist and if either of those two were suggesting me seeing one again I won’t be happy.
The stupid therapist thought it would be more beneficial talking about my fucked up family instead of what happened with Nathan, she thought the reason I put myself in such a toxic relationship was because of my screwed up family.
Mind you they were all her words, yes I knew or at least believed my mother to be an alcoholic but yet we were happy and healthy. My father loved me and my sister very much and we weren’t mistreated. My parents rarely fought and I knew they were once in love, I’ve seen the proof, so I don’t know where she got this idea of toxic relationship views.
Having to talk to a stranger about the night my father was killed was a nightmare and there was no way in hell I was opening up about everything again to another stranger just because they all believed I wasn’t coping.
I pulled the door opened so fast I startled Spencer, he looked at me for a moment before opening his mouth but I put my hand over it to give him the idea that I wanted to speak first.
“I don’t know where you got this stupid idea from but I will not have this conversation Spence. There is no way I can open up to another stranger about everything. I take it as you’ve never seen a therapist before Spence but they always seem to believe everything is linked back to what your family situation was like as a child and mine was fine. There is just no way in hell I’m talking to a stranger about my father, my mother or my relationship with Nathan. Because remember Spence, Nathan isn’t just some guy who spotted me on the street, I dated him when I was 16. I thought I was in love with that asshole. I believed I was going to have a future with him until Emery and Sutton showed what an idiot I was!”
My chest heaved as I was trying to catch my breath, I hadn’t realised I had gotten myself so worked up over this. I just hoped it was enough for him to realise that I would only see a therapist over my dead body.
“Okay, I’m sorry. I didn’t realise you would be so against just talking about it. I worry about you Dri, I just want to make sure you are coping with what happened in the right way. If you won’t talk to a therapist will you at least talk to me or even the girls more?” Spencer cupped my face as I nodded at him, if it was the only way to drop the therapist topic I would try.
“I’ll try, you can’t expect me to change overnight, but what about you? I know how protective you are over me, how are you coping about the fact you found me like that?”
“I’m coping a lot better than what you are.”
“Really? Then why do you panic when I don’t answer my phone?” I laughed at him but all he did was look at me sheepishly before pulling me closer to him.
“Don’t know what you’re on about. Now does your anger about talking about your family have anything to do with you and Lee not talking?”
I couldn’t believe he was using today of all days to bring up the topic of Lee.
It wasn’t long before Lee and I were meant to use the flights that Spencer had gotten us for our birthday that we had gotten into an argument about it. Lee was under the impression that we weren’t going anymore because our mother was sick and we should be there for her while I thought the whole thing was ridiculous and we should still go on the holiday.
It has been years since Lee and I have gone this long without speaking, I couldn’t believe she was being this headstrong about it. Lee isn’t even in town to help with the whole thing or be there for our mother while she was at school. She didn’t come and visit for Christmas break like she used to either and that is what hurt the most.
In the end we gave the flights to a very eager Sutton and Alex, between both of their work related trips they haven’t had a holiday away together in forever. I knew Sutton was beginning to worry about their relationship and wonder if Alex was still happy being with her.
They didn’t take the trip over the holidays. They were able to change the dates and they were in Italy until recently, in fact Sutton went straight from there to Paris for her meetings with the designers and none of us have had the chance to catch up with Sutton. And Alex would act weird every time we asked about the holiday.
“You said you weren’t annoyed that I gave the flights to Sutton and Alex,” I pulled away from him. I was worried when I first went to Spencer with the idea of telling him that Lee and I weren’t using the flights, a couple of days later I came up with the idea of giving them Sutton and Alex.
“And I’m not Dri.”
“Then why bring Lee up? She’s probably just stressed at college and taking it out on me. She’ll apologize and we will be fine.” I stood there and watched as he got more increasingly frustrated.
“You don’t want to talk at all about the fact that you are hurting over Lee not coming here for the holidays?”
“As I said, she is probably just stressed. Are you going to hear me out?”
“Depends. Are you going to let me talk about us?” I didn’t want to look at Spencer. We had gone from me being completely annoyed at him to being scared about where this was going to go.
I didn’t know what Spencer’s thoughts were on everything, about us, about our break, about me dating Damon, nothing and I was completely worried about what he was going to say.
“Dri, I love you and would want nothing more than to have you by my side again but you were right when you said we had to talk. I do want to talk about what we need to and I understand I screwed up big time by requesting that break but trust me when I say that finding out you fell for someone else killed me and I thought I lost you forever. Coming home and finding you unconscious with Nathan standing beside you damn near killed me. I know what it feels like to have lost you and I sure as hell don’t want that feeling ever again.” I couldn’t believe all of this came out of Spencer’s mouth, a tear ran down my cheek and he instantly cupped my face and wiped it away.
I was torn at feeling either shocked or wanting to melt at his statement, any girl would love to have a guy say that, but it wasn’t us. We don’t make big declarations of love like this, it wasn’t a part of who we were.
We’ve both had people call us cold hearted but the truth was we had trouble opening up and trusting people, but Spencer was one of the three people that I trusted the most. If he could do this, surely I could. Surely I could make some big declaration of my love for him but it still didn’t change how I felt.
We had our problems because he didn’t know how to be there for me when Nathan first turned up. How do I know he won’t run when things turned bad when my mother gets worse?
“Everyone knows a break is code for breaking up. I spent days in my bed trying to figure out what I did wrong to lose you. I hated the idea of losing you, I did what I hate the most about my mother. I drank to try and numb my pain and then I hated myself for finishing of the bottle my father had left me for when I finally graduated college. But that night when you told me you still loved me was the worst. I had convinced myself I was getting you back but then you go and say you were being moved to London and that broke me. I knew there was no way we could make it with you being in London, and I sure as hell don’t want to feel like that again.”
“Babe, I promise. I don’t want to lose you and I’m sure as hell not going to do something to risk it.”
“But how do I know you aren’t going to run when things become bad with my mother?”
“Because I would be an idiot to let you get away twice. I don’t want to lose you again. I’ve told you I will do everything I can to prove I won’t be going anywhere. Hell I’ve even told you I’ve thought about marriage, Dri I want my future with you.”
“So I just have to trust you when you say you won’t run?” I snapped at him, I finally got sick of us having this conversation in the doorway to my bathroom.
I pushed past him and continued along to the kitchen. I hated that I was just having to go on a whim and trust him when he says this. He’s said before that he wouldn’t leave me, but he did.
“I get that my actions have diminished your trust in me but have I ever done anything to show how untrustworthy I am? Ignore that one mistake of me requesting that break, has there been anything?” Spencer sounded so broken and it broke me.
He was right. I never once doubted his loyalty towards me. I never once suspected that he was cheating, I never once suspected he was lying to me. There was nothing, a lot of people just thought I was an idiot considering how much Spencer travelled for work but Sutton and Emery would always say just looking at how Spencer and I act together proved that there wasn’t a doubt in their minds about the love between the two of us.
“Dri, I just said how much I love you and don’t want to lose you? Why can’t you put faith in the fact that I won’t leave again?” he placed his hands on my waist and spun me around to face him.
“Because I’m scared, I’m scared you’re going to get fed up and leave when things get too hard with my mother. She has cancer and will most likely die, I had to sit there and listen to the doctor say what her odds were and how quickly it’s going to turn bad. You walked because I wasn’t coping well when Nathan first appeared, what do you think is going to happen once my mother gets much worse and I have to cope with the fact that I will soon be without both of my parents regardless of the relationship between my mother and I?” I questioned, realising myself the truth about my mother and her cancer.
“Because I was there for Alec when he lost his father to cancer, or are you forgetting that? I know what will be happening and I know what to expect through it all. I want to be there for you regardless of you wanting me there. I panicked as much as you did when Nathan first returned. I didn’t know how to handle the fact that your ex-boyfriend who your mother prefers over me had returned. I knew that there was some control he had over you and I still don’t understand it, it caused me to panic. I was afraid that between him and your mother they would convince you to leave me. I thought the break would give you the chance to get through it all and hopefully come back to me.”
I completely forgot that Alec lost his father to cancer when both him and Spencer were in college. It wasn’t something any of us spoke about and we left it at that. It gave me the idea of going and speaking to him about it all.
“What if things are different this time? What if we aren’t the same? What if things are harder because of everything we’ve been through? Just because Nathan is gone doesn’t mean Damon is, my mother will get worse or if she does get better things will just go back to how they were. My mother is still a bitch who hates you.” I leaned forward and rested my head against his chest, breathing in the familiar scent that was always associated with him.
It was true. I was worried that after everything we’ve been through together we wouldn’t be the same. Things would change between the two of us, we wouldn’t be who we once were and I was worried that after everything I would still lose Spencer and what we had.
“Things won’t be different because we won’t let them, as long as we are still both trying it will be how things were between us. Nathan is gone, for good. He is going to jail and when he is released he won’t be able to contact you or your family, so even your mother can’t pass messages around this time. Don’t worry about Damon, I won’t let him do anything to you.” Spencer had wrapped his arms around and pulled me close. I was incredibly worried that maybe after all of this it would be for nothing.
“Don’t Dri, it’s either you trust that I won’t leave or you don’t. Everything else we can work on as we go, do you trust me Dri?”
I was silent to begin with, so was Spencer. We were both standing there in the middle of my kitchen not saying anything, I was scared.
It seemed more like we were having a final moment and I would completely lose him after all of it, after everything we’ve been through. I couldn’t lose him.
I pulled away and looked at him, studied his face and I couldn’t believe he was as worried as I was. I took a deep breath before speaking. “I trust you…”